The burning question is: While American kids cringe at the idea of even a sympathy date set up by their parents, aunts or grandparents, Why and How do Indian kids (even those born and brought up in America) agree to an arranged marriage?
Now, when I talk with Americans about Arranged Marriages, being the nice, polite, positive people, and in general being open to other cultures, and not suspecting any inherent foul play, they say the following:
- Well may be it works – I know of such and such who got arranged marriage and they say that they couldn’t have picked a better person themselves!
- I know this guy/gal that was here in America, just waltzing around, goofing with us, even probably seeing someone here and one fine morning he/she went back to India and now we see from their Facebook status updates that he/she is married – the couple looks happy though, and the wedding lasted for a week, 10 days, a whole month, it was colorful, henna and all that good stuff.
- Well may be its the best, I almost wonder if I could get that done for my kids, look at the low divorce rate!
While arranged marriages elicit the OOHs and AAHs, they always stem from a romantic view of this unknown phenomenon of which the dear speaker, is not a part of! So, I see a need to introduce a different side, the real side of arranged marriages that non-Indians and even Indians are not privy to. This should build a strong, compelling reason to find the answer to the question of, Why and How of Arranged Marriages, than just satisfying general curiosity. And for this I am going to present how it affects, first the Individuals being married and then the society that supports this system.
Section1: How Arranged Marriages affect the Individuals that are getting married:
“Marriage is deemed essential for virtually everyone in India. Even as one is born into a particular family without the exercise of any personal choice, so is one given a spouse without any personal preference involved.” – Source: Library of Congress
While the study I am quoting from was done in 1995, the analysis still holds true in 2012. Marriage is still considered essential for everyone, and a spouse is picked by the parents. I don’t think anyone will argue with me on the first part of it, that marriage is essential for everyone, but on the second part of it I know Indians will argue with me. The mere fact that I am writing this post and that non-Indians are aware of arranged marriages, and personally know someone who had such a marriage should be proof enough that arranged marriages are still the norm in India. However, I will answer this question ’cause it will help make my case as to how it affects the Individual.
Indians will claim that the India I am talking about, is so yesterday, and that I am out of touch with the youth of India, who now assert their right to pick a spouse by themselves. Broadly speaking there are some variations in picking a spouse that misleads Indians into thinking that the resulting marriage is not an arranged marriage
- A spouse is picked by parents, neither the Bride nor the Groom have a say – and they don’t get to interact before marriage
- A spouse is picked by parents, neither the Bride nor the Groom have a say – But they get to interact briefly before marriage, may be some semi private meetings or even some private ones.
- A spouse is picked by the Bride, but from a shortlist of possible Grooms that the parents have put forth!
- A spouse is picked by the Groom, but from a shortlist of possible Brides that the parents have put forth! – more plausible than the option 3 listed above.
- Bride and Groom have picked each other from a the shortlist of each others parents’ acceptable matches
- Bride and Groom have picked each other without direct input from their parents, but still have ensured that they would face little resistance from their parents, ’cause before courting, they have made sure that the necessary criteria like Caste/Sub Caste, Financial status & Social status match (mainly Caste). Which just means that this is still a choice governed by the same filters that the parents would use and only then has personal choice come into play.
- Lastly, a boy and a girl fell in love for the natural reasons that they normally fall in love for, physical attraction, friendship, friendship maturing into love, affection for each other, common activities enjoyed, proximity and time spent together, and whatever goes! But definitely not, caste, religion, or financial and social status!
Any other variation you can think of should fit into one of the above classification. Now traditionally speaking arranged marriages meant variation 1 listed above- “A spouse was picked by the parents, neither the Bride nor the Groom had a say – and they didn’t get to interact before marriage”, the only alternative being a marriage which was finalized in childhood itself, at which point the kids know who they are going to marry eventually, which I think ain’t helping the moving-away-from-Arranged-marriage argument. So when people in general say arranged marriages are going away and wanna claim a huge percentage of population making this switch, they claim it by presenting scenarios (2 to 6) where a spouse was chosen from a short list, or that after the alliance was set up by the parents, the kids got some alone time, as in meeting at a coffee shop or going to a movie, and in the rare case kids arranged a marriage that their parents would approve. They are not talking about a huge increase in the last option that I mentioned above where the boy and girl chose each other for purely natural reasons, with little to no relevance to parents will and wish. And hopefully you all agree that, but for the last option, all the others are but variations of arranged marriage. So in effect true “Love Marriages” are at a meager 1%, which implies that 99% of all Indian weddings are arranged marriages. In the case of Indians settled in the US and elsewhere outside India the percentage of arranged marriages is still high, at 90%.
So this brings to the conclusion that – Basis of arranged marriages is compromise, it is a system where artificial factors like Caste, Religion, Money and Social status dictate a relationship, it takes no account for individual preferences and overall can’t nurture an understanding, growing relationship. Some people might try to counter this point by highlighting the low (1%) divorce rate, but I would argue back and ask if staying married is the same as having a successful marriage? However, what I believe is that those who don’t have a choice in whom they are paired with (the easier part) will rarely fight the tougher battle to get out.
Before you take my word for it, think about it for yourself, was it easier for you to fall in love or to break up? Was it easy for you to get married or seek a divorce? And if this is the case in a free country like America, why do you think it is any different in a more traditional, family based country like India. And what about the fundamental question – what if some is not interested in marriage! What about their choice? And no it is not the same as in the US, single and mingle. In India single, or not yet married pretty much means “no action”. Single means, alone, disrespected, mocked and assumed to have some fundamental flaw! And if anyone argues that Indian youth are having premarital sex ask them to speak for themselves and their own kids, not the friend of the friend they have or not the other kid who is having sex. In fact, forget about sex, ask them if they or their kids have even kissed anyone before they got married!
What do you tell someone who is 25 years old, still living at his parents’ and has never kissed a girl, ever – You ask him to go get a life. Why should it be any different for an Indian Kid? How come the whole youth of a country is deprived of this experience and still boastful of its culture?
Finally, I urge you, the reader, to not look at arranged marriages with the lens of Indian Culture, Religion and Society but to look at Indians too as just individuals, as you and me, with emotions, insecurities, need for love and freedom, and hopefully it will then dawn on you the suppression that Indian youth are under. The fact that they still seem to be happy, I think, is a case of making the best out of what they have been give. Nothing wrong in making lemonade out of the lemons handed to them, right!
The troubles as an individual, if you are a girl are even more exponential, to begin with you are the last person to be asked if you agree to the wedding. Throughout your life the ideal of ‘honor before life’ has been taught to you, which in itself I think is a great ideal and something everyone should strive for, but unfortunately for you this honor is not tied to real values like, honesty, integrity and Individual greatness , but to accepting, this practice of arranged marriage. It is taught that as a dutiful daughter your honor lies in accepting the match that your parents arrange for you, any deviation from which is seen as dishonor brought upon yourself and the family at large, with huge consequences.
You may not even realize it but your are lucky that you had the good fortune of being born (see my post on Pro Life and Pro Choice). From the time you are born you are seen as a burden. You are always seen as someone who will be married off and will leave your family of birth and move in with your husband and/or in-laws and will take a fortune along with you. Under this frame of mind, any investment in your health, education and well being is seen as money poured down the drain. Then through your teen and adolescent ages you are guarded against any kind of interactions with the opposite sex to make sure that you don’t get an opportunity to fall in love with someone that your parents and the society at large may not approve and thus cause problems. A romantic version of this is shown to you as taking care of you, but believe me, it is nothing but a hawk like vigilance under which any western girl would suffocate and not last a single day. And then when you get to your In-Laws the same vigilance is continued, just the set of eyes that are watching you change. Yeah! modern girls in cities work and move around but you are still expected to bring the check home and deliver it to your husband and have very little say in how things are run. Some other issues that you face like, Dowry, forced abortions, forced widowhood are dealt below as a larger society issue.
At any rate … for an individual, while arranged marriage might be a sure way of getting a spouse, and saving some heart breaks, it is still a relationship based on compromise and can only promise a stunted growth!
*——————*——————*——————*
Section2: How Arranged Marriages affect the family and the Society:
Now let us look at the price the society bears to support this system, and I use the term price ’cause arranged marriage doesn’t fit with man’s or nature’s natural process of selection and where man goes against nature’s way there is a huge price to pay.
Psychological Burden: “Finding the perfect partner for one’s child can be a challenging task.” – Source: Library of Congress While the part discussed about a marriage is always the huge celebration and week long ceremonies, most miss the homework that the family has to do to get there. How many of you have suffered from pangs of guilt when you couldn’t take your kids to the Disney world or couldn’t buy something your kids wanted for Christmas. If this be the agony for not being able to meet an expectation that can be fulfilled next year or the year after, how much pressure do you think Indian parents are under (especially the girl’s) to find the right match for their kids, for which they get one shot. Financial Issues: 1.Marriage Expenses: “The bride’s family usually hosts most of the ceremonies and pays for all the arrangements for large numbers of guests for several days, including accommodation, feasting, decorations, and gifts for the groom’s party.” – Source: Library of Congress 2. Dowry: “The dowry is becoming an increasingly onerous burden for the bride’s family. Antidowry laws exist but are largely ignored, and a bride’s treatment in her marital home is often affected by the value of her dowry. Increasingly frequent are horrible incidents, particularly in urban areas, where a groom’s family makes excessive demands on the bride’s family–even after marriage–and when the demands are not met, murder the bride, typically by setting her clothes on fire in a cooking “accident.” The groom is then free to remarry and collect another sumptuous dowry. The male and female in-laws implicated in these murders have seldom been punished.” – Source: Library of Congress Dowry is a financial and material contribution made to the couple by the Bride’s parents to start a new life together. It was a practice among the upper castes where the woman was always a non earning home maker and hence the dowry was to provide for her financially. Now as with everything in India it has been copied even by lower castes and even those who are not in a financial position to sustain it. Result being that you rarely see weddings without dowry, the amount as acceptable dowry has grown exponentially and in ability in providing the same has lead to cancelled marriages, post marriage abuse and even murders commonly known as Dowry deaths. It has escalated to such an extent that laws have been made to discourage and eliminate them, but as with everything in India, execution of the law is a wholesale debacle and as this article states, One bride is burnt every hour for not satisfying the dowry requirements of the husband and In-Laws. And since marriage is seen as a social statement the bride’s parents are always forced to look for a groom who is more educated than the bride and better positioned socially and economically which in turn raises the dowry amount! For most middle and lower middle class families, marrying a daughter becomes their undoing. They end up pawning of their meager processions to pay for the wedding arrangements and dowry, and by the end of it all can’t seem to help but ask ‘If they were blessed with a girl child or punished by one’. Social Issues: Partly stem from financial issues 1. Sex Selective abortion: You will get most of the information on this topic from my post on how Pro Life and Pro Choice ideologies will fare in India. However having read the psychological and financial burden which preceded this section, it should not be hard to imagine why parents are willing to abort the female fetus. At least now they abort the fetus, prior to ultra sound scanning technology they would just dispose of the girl child after she was born – female infanticide. This is such a huge problem that many villages in North India have no girls of marriageable age in their villages and parents in other villages are reluctant to give their daughters in marriage to boys from these villages. Result being that, we see cases where girls are abducted and sold into marriage – Short of Brides, Indians Turn to Brokers! 2. Forced Widowhood: In India, A married man is blessed with the phrase “ayushman bhava …meaning, may you have a long life”, While a married woman is blessed with the phrase “saubhagyavati bhava …meaning, may you always be the one whose husband is alive, may you remain safe from the curse of widowhood”. For a keen student of social sciences this should give all the information that they need to understand the fate of a widow. Widowhood is the worst thing that can befall an Indian woman, it renders her powerless and at the mercy of the in-laws. As is the case, the practice is more prevalent in upper castes where a woman is not an earning member and in absence of the husband becomes a burden to the in-laws. Hindus have used the following ways to dispose of with this burden3. Child Marriages: One of the ways parents find relief from the psychological and financial burden, is by marrying their children off at a younger age. This effectively reduces their need to support the girl child for along period, get her educated and then try to find a suitable groom. This also eliminates the in crease in the amount of dowry to be given off, which increases along with the age of the girl. – High prevalence of child marriage in India
- At a minimum, the widow is forced to sacrifice all worldly needs and take a hermetic approach for the rest of her life, irrespective of her age – this limits the needs that she has and hence the financial burden that she places on the family.
- In northern India, widows are disposed off by dropping them off at the pilgrim city of Vrindavan to spend the rest of their life serving the lord. They are left there with a change of clothes and a bowl for alms.
- On the one hand, we are celebrating the (2007) election of the first woman president of the country (of India) and on the other, widowhood continues to be stigmatized. Just because they have lost their husbands, their rights are taken away from them. They are discarded by society and Vrindavan becomes their only haven,” – The Fate of the Widows of Vrindavan, India.
- In cases where the woman is educated and can financially support herself, while she may not be shunned by her in-laws, or may even return to live with her parents, the stigma of being a widow is attached to her forever and it is very rear that she would get remarried. ’cause when parents are picking a spouse there is no reason for them to pick a widow for their son. Another reason for this is that the widow is blamed for her husband’s death and is forever branded as a someone bringing bad luck to the extent that they are excluded from any and all auspicious events!
- Extreme case of disposing off of a widow is through a practice called Suttee, the Indian custom of a widow burning herself, either on the funeral pyre of her dead husband or in some other fashion, soon after his death. Outlawed in 1829 during British Raj. Stray incidents are still seen as in the case of Roop Kanwar, an 18-year-old widow who committed suttee in 1987.
4. Female Illiteracy: Since a girl will eventually be married off and that will require a huge financial investment, families don’t see any great benefit in getting them educated. In fact if they spend money and get the girl educated, they further get themselves painted into a corner where in they will now have to find a suitor who is more educated and better employed than their girl which means more dowry to be paid. So overall there is no keen interest in getting the female child educated. 5. Honor Killings: A quick question we need to address is- What about those kids who deny their parents wishes and marry some one that they like. In very rare cases, they are accepted by parents of both the kids, with a slightly higher chance of them being accepted by the family that is lower in caste and class. In most cases though they are shunned by the girls family who see it as a disgrace and blow to their honor. And the only way the family can make up for the lost honor is by severing all ties with the young couple in the least and killing the couple as the ultimate price. The number of these killings is at an astonishing 1000 per year and they are known as Hindu Honor Killings! So lets wrap this up by reminding ourselves of what it is that we wanted to achieve in this Part-I of the post on arranged marriages: We wanted to build a strong, compelling reason to find the answer to the question of, Why and How of Arranged Marriages, than just satisfying general curiosity. And here is what we have found so far … Arranged marriages are not good for individual development, they are a psychological and financial burden on the parents, they leave the society riddled with isues of Dowry Deaths, female foeticide/Infanticide, forced Widowhood, compromised marriages, Child marriages and ultimately reduces parents to a savage state where they kill their own children. Hopefully, all this information has made it more compelling to get on to Part-II where we will discuss why arranged marriages are practiced in spite of all its drawbacks! Until Part-II …
Very Well written analysis.
my 2 cents:
There is pros and cons for everything. Arranged marriage is a cultural approach, and has its own pros and cons. Yes, There is absolutely all these issues. But Now, Women have started working in good paying jobs. So the concept of dowry / owning the wife’s salary is slowly on the decline. And there is the obvious % where arranged marriage (1 -6) works perfectly fine for the couple.
And lastly, since all Indians (99.99%) suffer from an inferiority complex, they will soon give this crap up for western culture. Just like the lower castes started adopting higher caste practices… So give it some time. And Find your own spouse 🙂
Dear Dinesh,
Thanks for appreciating the post. I sincerely wish I could share your optimism about the social evils being on the decline due to women getting educated and independent and also with Indians copying western culture. But that will be like treating the symptoms but failing to understand the underlying problem.
Basis of all these traditions and social evils is religion and I highly doubt that Indians are going to give up Hindu religion anytime soon? Nor are the other religions giving up the caste system that they have contracted from Hinduism.
I think I have brought this to the notice of all the readers in my concluding post – http://knowrealindia.wordpress.com/2 012/04/04/arranged-marriages-part-ii-conclusion/
So I think what we may need might be a social revolution, nothing short of what Buddha was able to achieve, when he fought against the social prejudices of his time.
@KRI
And come on.. I almost thought you were writing objectively without any chips on your shoulder. All Evil comes from man. He creates religions and god. We can shift the murder accusation to the knife bud, but it doesn’t make sense.
The underlying problem, which I think you neatly outlined is
1. Agrarian society – Causing unequal distribution of wealth
2. Caste System
3. Inherent Prejudice against women
Maybe I should remind you of Jim Crow’s law up to the 1965 in U.S of A. <– Was that caused by Christianity? (Answer: No. Bigoted people exist everywhere and feeble minded opportunists – who make 60-80% of any society – usually support them)
India, contrary to your sayings is not a homogenous population. We were invaded several times and our people have a deep memory caused by geoghraphical barriers. Before the Britishers, anyone who invaded india ending up staying there creating another social layer on top. (And another inconsistency – Contrary to your opinion, Manusmriti has been out of date for atleast 1500 years. Mahabharatha is ok though!)
The problem is, it is not religion that has contracted this "caste system", but the people of India – partially due to repeated invasions – isolated themselves in vertical silos called castes and sub castes.
As any social evil, this ought to be thrown off. And with growing cities and employment opportunities, I am pretty sure, Wealth will replace caste as the new social mantra – just like here in N.America 🙂
The underlying problem, is people. People have to change. Hinduism has to change with it because most of us in India follow it. So does Indian Christianity and Islam – which also has castes….
And for the record, Mine was arranged marriage – and contrary to your belief, I did not get any dowry nor is the women my caste.
The old societal customs of "caste" is now frowned upon, from the lens of new "wealth" based societies. We are just replacing one old inheritable disease (caste) with another inheritable disease (wealth), but alteast the latter can be lost by stupidity or earned by hardwork/luck.. So, I am all for it!
Hi Dinesh,
I did write objectively. And I did that even when I said that Hindu religion and caste system are synonymous. I undertand that people won’t want to believe me so I used this video at “India Untouched” from 3:37 to 5:05 where the chief priest of the most pious Hindu pilgrim city Kasi says what he says.
All your out burst, almost makes me feel that you may have responded to my posts before you read the concluding part.
You are right, Christianity did not create the segregation of blacks and whites, which is exactly why black leaders like Martin Luther King Jr were able to use the bible, religion and the pulpit of the churches to fight against segregation.
However in case of India, Hindu religion sanctions caste system. May be people created religion, may be it was handed by the divine being, but the fact of the matter is that today’s Hindu religion supports, and out right prescribes Caste system. And to the misfortune of the oppressed castes, they can’t use Hindu religion to break their shackles, cause it is the religion that gave it to them in the first place.
Islam and Christianity in India are tainted with caste system, but they are so tainted, because of the converts and because of the fact that the converts came from a religion that had them segregated by castes. These religions themselves did not come with caste system, in fact if they preach anything, it is the principle of equality and one God. So if Indian Muslims and Christians do want to follow their religion to the letter they can use the Koran and the Bible and eliminate caste system for their bretheren.
Hindus on the contrary:
Can never pick up the Vedas and fight against caste system – Vedas define the origin of caste systems.
Can never take Manu Smriti and fight against caste system – it gives the rules of conduct by caste system and dictates the punishment for breaking those laws.
Can never pick Mahabharat or Ramayana cause they show these caste laws enforced – Rama kills Shambuka because he is a Sudra who has learned the Vedas. Dronacharya denies Ekalavya his learning (use of bow) by asking him to donate his right thumb, because he is not a Kshatriya and has no right to bear arms and education.
You talk about Invasions on India and show that as a reason for caste system. Indian caste system is from Pre Buddha period. Which is why Buddha fought against caste systems and the Shastras that taught them. So any invasions after Buddha are not the reason why we have caste system. Then the only possible explanation is that invasions prior to Buddha must be the ones that have created this caste system. And you know what, you are absolutely right.
Right around or after the Indus Valley Civilization, we had wave after wave of nomadic barbarians come into India, they are the ones who brought the Vedas, Sanskrit language and the concept of Varna Vyavastha (labor based division) which finally got converted into what we know as present day caste system. When they tied profession to birth.
For scientific proof of this … please check Genetic Evidence on the Origins of Indian Caste Populations – DNA proof – it can’t get anymore objective and scientific than this.
Growing wealth, Scientific advancement, Urbanization, Western Influence will help if the basic foundation is right … but in case of India as long as the religion upholds caste system, these pillars will always stand on uneven ground and will support the different castes in a different way. For some they will bring wealth and prosperity, and for other they will bring doom and further humiliation. And if you disagree, check what this Hindu father did here in Chicago, in the US – Father Says He Set Fire That Killed Three
Now you also say that you did not get dowry and you married a woman of a different caste. Congratulations and thanks for being a model citizen. What I am saying is that we can try to persuade millions like you to follow what you have done or focus on the problem, the reason why all these millions are prevented from doing what you have done and eradicate it. Why sow the seed of caste system and then ask people to raise above it, why not annihilate caste system. And if the later is the ideal, then we have to grapple the religion that teaches caste system. there are no two ways about it.
Dinesh, I will use your comment to educate non-Indian readers on an aspect I missed in the post. When Indians say that they have married someone of a different caste, they are only giving partial information. Castes have gotten divided into sub-cstes and caste and sub caste are used synonymously. So within Brahmins they have Sub castes, and so on among Kshatriyas, Vaishyas, Sudras and Untouchables. And even marrying across subcastes while staying within the Caste level is considered an intercaste marriage. For me a true open society would be when people reach across castes and marry from those below or above them in hierarchy. So reach out vertically, not just horizontally. Which would mean that I want to see a Brahmin marry a Sudra, A Kshatriya marry an untouchable, or for that matter even a Shudra marry an untouchable.
Dinesh, May be you did marry across vertically, or may be you just married across sub castes, which in itself is a note worthy step on your behalf and I commend you for your courage. but like I said, we can either hope that we have more like you, who defy the norm or turn the society upside down and make a non caste society the the new norm!
And finally, I don’t believe that caste system is old school or that the new generation frowns upon it. Check this link where caste prejudice is practiced in the most prestigious school in all of India – All India Institute of Medical Sciences (AIIMS) – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f670ua6poAU&feature=share
Look through the whole 9 episodes of the movie India Untouched if you still need more convincing.
I rest my case.
@KRI
Actually my first comment was before I read the conclusion. You had it going until you decided to turn this against religion 🙂
Clarificationss first. I am of a caste that on a high level groups under Vaishyas, My Wife – Kshatria. So No sub castes nothing. Our parents and my wife’s parents truly did not care about caste.
The Manusmriti are not the word of god. Rather, just a king. The Vedas themselves are not words of gods, but hymns praising the god. The Bhagavat Gita – Considered the “bible” of Hindus – clearly says caste system is not birth based but occupation based. Yes, it does say the Shudras come from the feet of good but it doesnt say, that means they are inferior, just that they carry all the other 3 castes by their hard work.
Ekalya – was not a shudra – but a Prince of a neighbouring tribe – and not a friendly one to the “Aryans”. No wonder Drona denied teaching him.
Yes, Ramayana does show Rama killing a Shudra for practicing Vedas. Last I heard of Christians burnt lot of women cause they practiced Witchery. Koran, definitely calls for the head off unbeleivers. Based on old tales and so called religions, one cannot reform the present day society. They were meant for stability on the days they were written and not for present day enlightment.
And we were not just invaded by Aryans. Dravidians came from else where too. Nagas did. And whole lot of tribes whose names, are lost except somewhere identified without their true meaning in the caste system.
I am not supporting Hinduism over any other religion. My only point is all religion have prejudices built in them and Hinduism is older. So it is going to take longer to clean it up. “Hindus” Do not have any authoritative leader like the pope nor a single book like the koran nor a single compulsory form of god. So It doesnt matter what a single book says nor does it matter what some ignorant priest says. Smriti – itself means “lesser book” and not equivalent to the vedas. Just because it has so many weirdo stuff written in it, doesnt mean you just quote it and blame hinduism.
Bhagvat purana clearly states – in whatever form you worship, all your worships come to a single unnamed god who doesnt have any specific forms. The forms are only to guide the less spritually enlightened. The same god in many names. I am sure you know this!
And I find it a bit pathetic when NRI or Ex-Indians or “Enlightened” Indians rush to decry hinduism while showing no such critical thinking to other religions. What is that that makes us feel morally obligated to blame everything on our past and embrace the western values? Capitalism is just opportunism. Today, it is more expensive to maintain colonies or slaves and they are done away.
There is a poem in tamil written by Bharathi. It goes
“Endru madiyum indha adimaiyin mogam”
Translating as, when will this self imposed slave mind complex end for Indians?
Yes Hinduism is not the only true religion nor the greatest, but it has its own share of goodies just like the rest of the bunch.
Again, for the record, I am not a practicing Hindu. I respect all religions for what they are and consider myself an Atheist for all spiritual purposes.
There will be a day – when castes will mean nothing more than surnames. There will be a day when all it will mean is like “John “””Smith”””‘. Show a once practiced occupation and nothing more.
Christianity did not have to be abolished -to abolish slavery – nor to abolish racial discrimination – nor to abolism Imperialism. Islam does not have to be abolished to abolish terrorism. And Hinduism does not have to be abolished to abolish Caste Discrimination.
It is the Discrimination that has to be abolished. Back to my earlier point, with the rise of the new social hierarchy based on wealth, the old one will die away for sure.
Back to the original topic. Arranged Marriages are bad. period. But Times are changing. As we change from Agrarian to Industrial / Service based, There will be more cities with more opportunities for wealth. As Youth have more opportunities for wealth, they will get more independence. As they get more Independence. All the crap like dowry and Infanticide will die away. Arranged marriages are already changing. 100 years ago, it was a norm to marry / fix marriage for a girl at 8 / 10 in India (and in many other countries, including the European Royalty). Today, 95% of Indians dont marry their kids at 8. It will change my friend. All I ask you is while your fight against ignorance is good, your rant against hinduism (which is what most of the second post is) is not. Open your eyes to other truths. Even the sun – which supposedly illuminates everything – still hides the stars 🙂
Dear Dinesh,
Thanks for your comment. I did realize that your comments must be prior to looking at my concluding section. That’s alright.
What I definitely see common in both of us is the need to eliminate caste system, untouchability and related social evils. It is just that we seem to differ in – the root cause of the problem, how we can fix it and the part religion plays in it. I respect your opinions and thank you for reading my blog and providing your valuable comments.
My name is Kaila and I am a senior living in MO. I am actually writing a paper about arranged marriages and was looking for a few resources to be able to ask a few questions. If you are at all interested in becoming a resource, please email me!
Absolutely. Please feel free to reach out to me at svalicharla@gmail.com
Hello , I am from the Caribbean, had an Indian friend from India who was working in my country. He just picked up went back to India and got married within 2 weeks in an arranged marriage by his parents . He came back still working here while his wife is back in India. I feel sorry for him but he says that’s just how marriage is done in India. Is this really happening in this century,? I am having a difficult time grasping this automated method of marriage. Do dowry still exist with arranged marriages, must have some gain?
Hi Genie,
Yes it is very common with Indians. You feel sorry for him because you know of a different way that this is done and you know the joys and sorrows of that way. Your Indian friend either knows only the way of arranged marriage or has agreed to accept it. So he may actually not be bothered by this arrangement at all.
You have an answer for your own question “Is this really happening in this century?”, Yes it is, and your friend is living proof. And the reason it still happens in this century, and will in future centuries is because of the religion that most Indians follow. Hindu religion prescribes caste system and the only way you can maintain it is through arranged marriages. As for Dowry, it is the norm, exceptions do exist. With this back ground I think you will fully appreciate my post on Arranged Marriages. It will give you the How and Why of arranged marriages among Hindus and there by all Indians.
“So in effect true “Love Marriages” are at a meager 1%, which implies that 99% of all Indian weddings are arranged marriages. In the case of Indians settled in the US and elsewhere outside India the percentage of arranged marriages is still high, at 90%.”
“..As for Dowry, it is the norm, exceptions do exist..”
“modern girls in cities work and move around but you are still expected to bring the check home and deliver it to your husband and have very little say in how things are run”
“for an individual, while arranged marriage might be a sure way of getting a spouse, and saving some heart breaks, it is still a relationship based on compromise and can only promise a stunted growth!”
For the most part, your post makes sense. But the above statements verge towards generalizations. Something I would be vary to conveying. ‘“Love Marriages” are at a meager 1%, which implies that 99% of all Indian weddings are arranged marriages’ -> where did you procure this statistic from?
As to your statement – “What do you tell someone who is 25 years old, still living at his parents’ and has never kissed a girl, ever – You ask him to go get a life. Why should it be any different for an Indian Kid? How come the whole youth of a country is deprived of this experience and still boastful of its culture?” I am not one for censoring an young adult’s personal life – but I do think you would agree that freedom comes with responsibility. You make it seem as though it’s almost a sin or a loss of ‘an important event in the passage to adulthood’ if one has not kissed! Even Italian men are known to stay with their mothers well into adulthood, and I have not heard anyone (or any society) calling them ‘deprived’. I don’t even want to get into the topic of social and economic burden that is placed on society by the problem of unmarried pregnancy and motherhood (taking your insinuation a step further)
Dear Ninu,
Thanks for appreciating my post and mentioning that overall it makes sense. That has been my goal. My post will be most appreciated by readers who have interacted a lot with Indians or themselves have run into issues through relationships with Indians and have heard no convincing answer from any other source. Up until then what I say may seem a little exaggerated.
Now for the comments you have:
I will first tackle the issue of social and economic burden and unmarried pregnancy and motherhood. Yes, they are issues, but when Arranged marriage is used to maintain caste system thereby violating basic Human Rights of 150 million Untouchables and forever keep a billion Indians from ever forming a united whole, not to mention taking this deadly disease everywhere they travel, then I will take my chances. I will rather have an unplanned baby live than have a couple killed because they married outside their caste. I would rather have an 18 year old unwed mother than an 18 year old widow, who is now robbed of all happiness, pleasure, basic dignity and abandoned at an ashram to be turned into a sex salve! I would rather have some individual indiscretions than an inhuman society that has a dubious record of raping 3 Dalit women and murdering 13 Dalits everyday.
Now for some minor digressions: It would be hard to get any such marriage numbers from an Indian context. I highly doubt Indian government is looking at is as a valuable human resource study. So I have given you my best guesstimate. Within my circle of family and friends, I can’t seem to recollect any that have had a marriage where caste prejudices and parent influences were not a part of the same and there lies my confidence in stating the same. But I can definitely relate to a lot where couples are unhappy. I can recall educated urban women who don’t have any financial independence, were tortured for more dowry and forced into abortion for carrying a girl child.
I can share some marriage related those numbers though for two countries for which I have come across such data, US and Australia.
US – According to multiracial.com/site/content/view/388/27/#census
Indian Women have married 90.2% Other Indians, 2.0% Other Asians, 7.1% Whites, 0.0% Blacks and 0.7% Hispanics/Latinos
Indian Men have married 92.6% other Indians, 2.1% Other Asians, 3.7% Whites, 0.7% Blacks, 0.5% Hispanics/Latinos
Australia: wikipedia.org/wiki/Interracial_marriage#Australia
• Indian-born women were the most likely to marry a man from the same country (80%).
I wonder how many Italian men/women who have not been kissed, don’t feel deprived. I don’t think anybody ever checked with them. But anyways, my post though is global, I try to bring in situations and practices that my readers can relate to and being in America, I used not having kissed a girl even when 25 as one such means ’cause Americans readily relate to it. Oh! And in that survey of Australian interracial marriages I found the below point which I thought might interest you – Italian-born men were the least likely to marry a woman from the same country (8%)!
Any other readers, would you like to share your thoughts on this comment and my reply!
P.S. – I meant ‘censuring’, not ‘censoring’ (though the latter also takes place). 🙂
Interesting blog though, KRI!
Bro, you are over-idealizing how people interact in the West, particularly United States. There are no official castes, but do you think that people really just freely mingle across socio-economic lines? Do you think people from all races freely interact with one another? Of course not! American society still tends to be very segregated, and so people tend to marry within SES and race. So when you put your #7 option as a boy and girl fall in love for “natural” reasons, but definitely not “religion, or financial and social status” you are creating a false dichotomy.
Money is always a consideration when women choose a spouse. If you don’t believe me, read any study on human reproductive biology. And I think religion is a very reasonable consideration when choosing a spouse (life isn’t a Bollywood movie, after all). I have many white Christian friends that would not consider marrying a non-Christian. So actually, by your criteria, it seems that no marriage anywhere in the world can be considered a “love marriage” because, indirectly, wealth and religion do play into who we fall in “love” with. Overall, I think your piece is well-written but you are over-simplifying things.
Dear John,
I thought long and hard about this and you are correct, there are considerations people make while picking a spouse, not only in the case of marriages but even in case of employment, renting an apartment and in general even with association. I did hear about an NPR chat where a black leader was joking about how all white politicians have that one (and only one mind you) black friend and that they claim that as proof of there outreach, diversity and openness. So yes, there are prejudices and notions of who you want to be associated with, but what I wanted to highlight was that it is clear why they do it, in your example it is the religion and it is apparent. What I was trying to bring out in my post on arranged marriage was the divisive Indian society that is not evident for outsider and even for Indians themselves. I mean all Indians – or if I keep the discussion to just Hindus, are brown colored, dark haired, racially the same (though upper castes claim otherwise on an as needed basis), and for crying out loud all are forced to enter Hindu on the census sheet even though nothing as Hindu exists (even as per the constitution), hence of the same religion.
So when your white Christian friends claim that they would not consider marrying a non-christian, it doesn’t surprise me ’cause they are sticking to their religious beliefs. Can you say the same of Hindus … ’cause it will make sense if a Hindu wants to marry another Hindu. It is the division within of caste, that I am trying to highlight. And moreover, check this out, all your white friends have to do is convince their girlfriend/boyfriend that they can marry them if the convert to Christianity. And that is a real possibility. On the contrary my friend, your Indian friend won’t have that choice. Cause in all most all cases the person they want to marry is also of the same religion (Hindu, Christian or Muslim) but unfortunately of a different caste and that can’t be changed.
So I am not sure if I oversimplified anything. I might have made it more clear though for people who are trying to understand Indian arranged marriages.
So there is a difference between making a choice made based on prejudice and up bringing VS something forced down the throat and every attempt made to discourage (in most cases violently) when an attempt is made to break the prejudice and embrace love.