Here is a singular account of some comments* and responses that have happened over email. I think publishing them here, as a post, adds great value. It gives a glimpse into how, an outsider (Non-Hindu, Non-Indian) could be affected by Caste system and the practice of Arranged Marriages. I think this reader’s story will resonate with a lot of other readers as well.
Here we go …
———————————————
Original Comment:
Hi Mr. Blogger of Know Rial India,
I just write you to thank you for giving me insights about arrange marriage in India. For a month now I been really shattered because my bf of 3 years married a girl his parents arranged for him to marry.I always know from the start of our relationship he was bound for arrange marriage, he told me we don’t have a future together because his parents were busy looking for a girl for him to marry. But then I really love him so I was telling myself I rather love and get hurt than not experience love at all, so went I risk my heart and spend 3 years of our lives as gf-bf. We were both based in Southeast Asian Islands, though I really feel he loves me back also but he always put an invisible line of distance between us every time we get lovey-dovey he was constantly reminding me that he wont be able to give me a future.It was frustrating to be with somebody you cant plan a future with, it was like living with cancer, you have to make most of the moment cos tomorrow will never be the same anymore. Every day being together was a blessing and big deal for me.
I always thought I’ll be ready when it comes, until last May 22 this year he told he needs to go home to India his parents had set his marriage within 2 weeks, he didn’t even meet the bride personally but he show me the picture of his would be wife-a village girl from his village though who has a master’s degree but never actually use her education because she never work in her life.My ex-bf was a corporate employee.
For the next few days before he heads back to India was really emotionally draining, the moment I wake up I keep crying and pleading him not to do it, not to throw the 3 years of our love for each other but he seems so helpless for it and I could never understand why for somebody who already makes a living would allow to make other people decide important decision in his life such as his own marriage.
Its almost a month now after he got married and I am still devastated with his decision, we still talk everyday, he keeps telling how unhappy he is with his marriage, how they haven’t consummated the marriage yet cos they are not yet comfortable with each other. I am so angry at him for making our lives miserable by marrying her.
Before he got married we agree that he marry her but we still go on with our relationship but I am not made to be a mistress, I just feel I don’t deserve it so everyday its emotionally stressful for both of us because I cant stop crying, though he keep reassuring me that its me he loves but its killing me knowing at the end of the day he is sleeping with her.
I read a lot of blogs about arrange marriage in India and all of them I end up feeling more miserable after reading. Tonight I came across yours and it makes me understand the whole thing and strengthen my resolves to walk away from him. I realize even if I catch the grenade for him, even if I give him my life he wouldn’t be able to appreciate it because that is the kind of life he grows up with, no matter how I gamble my heart I could never win fated against cultural upbringing.
Thank you very much and more power to you.
Very Truly Yours,
M
———————————————
Initial Response:
Dear Ms. M,
I am glad that my blog has been able to help you to come to a resolution regarding this delicate and troubling matter that you are presented with. You have my fullest sympathies with regards to the whole turn of events that you were subjected to. As mentioned in my blog, Hindu religion enforces “marriage within caste” and all Hindus will adhere to it. So please realize that your Ex was bound by rules of his religion and had no chance to stand against it. It is highly unfortunate that a religion should value mutual exclusion by virtue of caste as more fundamental than Love and Equality, but that is the nature of the beast that we are dealing with.
I greatly commend you for your commitment to Love, and Live in the moment. While this maybe trying at this time, be rest assured that you are way ahead of some us in terms of being able to love and enjoy the moment and not being held hostage to the end result. I also think that having made the resolution to move on you will in the very near future find new sources of inspiration and love and be all the more appreciative of the same.I hope that you will continue to appreciate my blog and provide me with valuable feedback and encouragement that will give me purpose and strength to continue with my fight against Caste System and Untouchability.Sincerely,
I am glad that my blog has been able to help you to come to a resolution regarding this delicate and troubling matter that you are presented with. You have my fullest sympathies with regards to the whole turn of events that you were subjected to. As mentioned in my blog, Hindu religion enforces “marriage within caste” and all Hindus will adhere to it. So please realize that your Ex was bound by rules of his religion and had no chance to stand against it. It is highly unfortunate that a religion should value mutual exclusion by virtue of caste as more fundamental than Love and Equality, but that is the nature of the beast that we are dealing with.
I greatly commend you for your commitment to Love, and Live in the moment. While this maybe trying at this time, be rest assured that you are way ahead of some us in terms of being able to love and enjoy the moment and not being held hostage to the end result. I also think that having made the resolution to move on you will in the very near future find new sources of inspiration and love and be all the more appreciative of the same.I hope that you will continue to appreciate my blog and provide me with valuable feedback and encouragement that will give me purpose and strength to continue with my fight against Caste System and Untouchability.Sincerely,
Sidd Valicharla
———————————————
Closing Comments by Ms M:
Dear Sidd,
Thank you for taking time to write back I will of course be a forever big fan of your blog in fact i bookmark your site in my computer.
I could never be able to relate to these Hindu’s, why would they allow a religion to manipulate them.I was in India once and I was horrified when my friend got upset with me for being nice to a certain person from Bihar, she was from Delhi and a Punjabi.
My ex was a Bihari maybe from a lower caste because he looked shabby the first time I met him. I never meet in my life people as judgemental as the Hindu’s.They boost about the 95% success of their arrange marriage between caste which is often not true, most of these men after marriage were into extra-marital affairs.These people are so full of pretense.
Anyway maybe its good for them to marry within a caste so they keep breeding spineless men and miserable women. I am currently working now here in the Gulf and I feel awful how badly treated are the Indians. Now i should not be surprise they cant even assert their rights over there own choice of life partner how can I expect them to assert their to be treated more humanely.
And there women so boost that they eventually fall in love with the man they are married with-all bullshit! They did not even experience an affectionate gesture from their men.Love for them is because they stick together no matter how miserable they are. I wonder did these women even experience the butterflies in the stomach just the mere sight of there husband, did they even experience the giddy feeling the moment they wake up each morning next to their husband?this we-could-conquer-everything-as-long-as-were-together feeling.I don’t want to miss out on that feelings if I get married.If my parents would arrange my marriage I would rather die, its awful that a person will just marry you just because people arrange it for you, I want to be swept off my feet and be ask to be his wife.
I actually feel sorry for his wife, yeah they might be sleeping in one bed but behind her back his husband is texting I love you to me. But I am not raise to feel happy about her misfortune for marrying an inconsiderate man. I love him with all of my heart but I want him to settle well, to start his marriage right, its painful but I always know doing the right thing in life is not always easy.
May the lesson I learn from this is to caution other girls of different nationality and religion never to fall in love with Hindu mens because in the end most of them are really spineless. Kudos to their mothers who raise men who cant think and decide for themselves.
A month ago I could never picture myself to say I can walk from this now I’m telling myself what I am thinking I stayed for so long with him, such a waste of time loving someone who cant appreciate somebody who will go to hell with hell.Thanks to you Sidd, now I found courage and strength.I spread the word about your blog among my friends.
Godbless and more power.
Take care,
M
———————————————
Final Response:
Dear Ms M,
I am glad I could help you. However, you should always remember that it was your keen insight and relentless search for an answer that has guided you out of this predicament and has also strengthened you to move on and experience a new life and face any future challenges with courage and conviction. My one last suggestion in this matter would be to completely close this chapter and move on. I think that it will be in the best interests of all three of you and more so for you to do so. You are in no way obliged to ensure the happiness of your Ex or his wife. He moved out and married her, and by doing so he himself relieved you of any obligation towards his happiness or anyone he is linked with. I think any further correspondence (phone, email or even text) will only open old wounds and present you with challenges that will hold you back from moving on and exploring new possibilities. So good luck.
I am glad I could help you. However, you should always remember that it was your keen insight and relentless search for an answer that has guided you out of this predicament and has also strengthened you to move on and experience a new life and face any future challenges with courage and conviction. My one last suggestion in this matter would be to completely close this chapter and move on. I think that it will be in the best interests of all three of you and more so for you to do so. You are in no way obliged to ensure the happiness of your Ex or his wife. He moved out and married her, and by doing so he himself relieved you of any obligation towards his happiness or anyone he is linked with. I think any further correspondence (phone, email or even text) will only open old wounds and present you with challenges that will hold you back from moving on and exploring new possibilities. So good luck.
Sincerely,
Sidd
Sidd
———————————————
Dear friends,
I hope this rendition of comments and responses shows you different places where what you read on my blog can be applied. And I definitely have had comments to that effect from you, so please keep them coming.
Meanwhile, to atone for my tardiness, I will leave with you with a link of me discussing the subtleties of of Indian Castes System and Untouchability with a class of anthropology students at Milwaukee School of Engineering. I hope that you enjoy it and share with me any feedback that will help me improve upon it. Also do let me know if you would be willing to host any such speaking engagements by me or my team, either in person or on the web.
*Posted as agreed upon by the commenter. Thanks, Ms. M for sharing your story!
Hi Sidd.
I am a black woman who is married to a Hindu man .We never faced these issues.My heart goes out to M
Dear Rachel,
Congrats to you and Vinay. Am glad thinks worked out for you guys. Hopefully my blog can help you and others who did settle down with an Indian in clearing some other aspects or differences that you may encounter.
Good Luck.
Dear Sidd,
My sister is force to get engaged to man without each of them knowing much of each other.About 6 months into the marriage they realize the difference overshadow the similarities between them.My sister is very miserable with her marriage and both our parents and her in-laws interfere in varying degree of emotional blackmail to keep her marriage going.
My sister is a good example why arrange marriage should be illegalized.Some arrange marriage in India indeed ends up being a torturous experience for other people. Why cant people choose to have a relationship who they want to be with? It’s their right, is it not?
For Ms. M she has a point it could really be so unfair to the village wife without her knowing that his husband keep comparing her to the past gfs. Arrange marriage like that may only work if both of them have no experience of previous boyfriends and girlfriends.
Hi Radhika,
As mentioned, the reason arranged marriages exist in India is to maintain caste system. And our society has been structured for it to prevail collectively even if all individuals are in misery.
1. To ensure that this practice doesn’t fail all avenues where intermingling of sexes is possible are frowned upon, whereby even the possibility of falling in love is eliminated. So when this option doesn’t exist, children have no other choice but to accept a spouse picked by their parents.
2. Undue greatness, social pride and rigidity is built into an arranged marriage so that couples can’t even dare to break out of it. And families rather die or see their kids die than let them divorce. Also practically, the burden of getting their divorced children married again falls upon the parents, who being wiser know that the rate of success doesn’t improve with the next match or any other. So eventually they will have to advise the kids to bear it and move on. And if that be the suggestion then why give that after a couple of tries, why not give it during the first marriage itself and save everyone the agony and cost of going through the process again and again.
I have explained this in more detail in my posts
Arranged Marriages Part-II (Conclusion)
Arranged Marriages Part-I
So let me know what you think of these posts.
I have an issue with arranged marriages. On one level it is great for parents who want to bond with families, for individuals that are desperate for partners and don’t come in contact with many people, or for couples who are content with role playing and creating families and want a sense of tradition and conformity in their lives.
I don’t think an arranged marriage should ever be a tool for parents and families to bond. I mean, would you even go on just once a year a sympathy date with Ms.XYZ’s son or nephew so that your mom can be invited to Ms.XYZ’s awesome Christmas party. I don’t think anyone will, such a proposition would be considered ridiculous.
That arranged marriage is the only way families are able to bond is actually a catch 22 situation created by Caste System in India. People can make relationships only through arranged marriages, and because you can only have arranged marriages you cant make relationships any other way.
I agree that an arranged marriage might work for some individuals, but all in all arranged marriages should be the exception and love marriages the norm. Not the other way round as witnessed in India.
we come across people who are married purely by merit of caste, community, religion, family connections, etc., without getting to know the partner, simply because the families insisted on it and have lived to regret it. If you choose your own life partner, the responsibility of your actions lie with you and so in the eventuality, things don’t work out and the decision to stay or end it lies with you. When families put pressure on their kids to marry, with an “our way or the highway,” kind of attitude, it should be the parent’s responsibility to protect, stand up for and help their children in the eventuality of abuse, in-law harassment or ill-treatment of any kind. Washing their hands off their daughters once they are married and turning their faces away when she cries for help, is like selling your daughter to slavery and sex. So this is a note to all parents out there who believe their kids must marry the partner of their choosing: that if they expect the trust and respect to be given to them by their children, then they must be live up to that trust and respect post the seven phera’s. They helped keep your respect, now help them retain theirs.
To the ex-bf of Ms. M:
Dude you are such a fool that its now 20th century and you could never break free of yourself of the caste system. I hope it makes you happy knowing you are sleeping with a wife who pick you as a husband because of your job and not for who you are as a person. All your life you need to work really hard so you cant get strip of your current position because that is what your wife marry you for…your salary, your educational background, your material worth. I hope at the end of the day you can tell yourself my wife will still marry me even if I am just a street sweeper and not because I am a sure ticket for freeloading lifestyle! A wife should be a partner not a responsibility.You are an idiot for giving up your amazing gf. Damn man I’l give up anything to be in your place to have a gf like that-beautiful,independent,smart,successful, loyal and who are nuts about you.You have a gold in front of you man but you choose a pebble all because you can’t go against a freaking tradition.
Dear Sidd,
I am Hindu too and friends with Ms. M, and I am deeply embarrassed that some Indians would never want to welcome change. Its about time we stop this arrange marriage tradition, personally I think its ridiculous. Why would the hell I marry a girl who can’t get herself a boyfriend and have to rely for her parents to look for a husband? I want a partner in marriage not a housemaid like most of these girls you end up marrying if you get into arrange marriage because you could never have the chance to know them. I will never spend my life with a wife knowing she just marry me for what i can give her not because of who I am as a person. I would never let my daughter grow up in India, f***** no way. I want her to have a choice and control over her life.
Dear Avi,
I am glad you sympathize with Ms M. However I am not sure you understand the full reason why Ms. M’s boy friend chose to comply and accept an arranged marriage. Yes, it has a bearing in him being an Indian but more importantly he did what he did because he is an Indian Hindu. It is the religion that is dictating the terms, shaping the society, forcing the parents into arranging a marriage for their kids. In your above reply you have chosen to chide her BF and in fact Ms. M herself has called Indian men spineless and women pathetic … but what both of you have failed to realize is the force against which these Hindu kids are pitted! Based on my explanation Ms.M has understood this issue as an outsider, and because she herself is not affected by Hindu religion, she accepts my explanation in its most basic elements which her BF is not in a position to. It is like he is in the middle of a storm blowing, there is nothing he, as an individual can do against such a Juggernaut except accept the course of the storm and let it pass. I highly doubt that he has any power to change its course or his course even after he reads my explanation on arranged marriage and agrees to it. Society gives him no chance to do it. What he looses by accepting the truth and going against the norm is far greater than what he will gain, unless he weighs spiritual and psychological liberation as his prime goal, which I highly doubt. So I am not against this one individual and would exercise some restraint before chiding him. Rather I pity him, cause he has tasted what free love feels like and is yet unable to shake of the shackles that bind him. On the other hand, while it is true that Ms. M is distraught this very day due to this break up, we all know and can agree that it is only a matter of time before she musters courage, meets someone new and begins a meaning relationship. I believe in her resourcefulness and belief in flying free and unbound. So frankly speaking, her Ex is the real loser!
So instead of criticizing the boy, fighting, questioning and condemning the Hindu system might be the more judicious thing to do.
——————————-
Now for your personal conduct, when you say that you will not let your daughter grow up in India and let her make her own choice. you may not realize it but you are also straying away from the fundamentals of Hindu religion. Yes you are respecting the individual choice that your girl is entitled to but by doing so you are letting her pick her own spouse which fundamentally is against what Hindu Caste system prescribes. I am not pointing fingers or trying to correct you, I just see a dichotomy here which you may not have realize yet and will eventually!
Hi, Sidd! It’s been a long time… Hope all is well:-) I read Ur post about being in love w an Indian. I “hung out” as he called last summer w a Hindu guy. He was 23 and had a year left of college. I met him at the liquor store and gas station he worked at, and knew him a for couple of years probably . Anywho … He had told me on our first date that he could marry an American girl if he wanted to and that his family wasn’t all that strict on the arranged marriage. He later said he did agree on arranged marriages cuz the divorce rate was so high in America and not in India.
Once he started school things got weird! He said it was turning into a relationship and he couldn’t have a relationship. He said we were just “hanging out” all summer and nothing more. He said we would never be anything more. Now, I get he was young and all that, but it really hurt my feelings and I ended things. After sometime we started talking again but it seemed at that point that he only wanted sex…that started to piss me off. This whole relationship has really affected me over the past year… But I guess in the end we were never gonna be much of anything. I got strong and walked away… All, but to miss him and start talking to him again. There are some things I did or said that kinda f-d things up too… But he didn’t introduce me to his friends, didn’t make an effort to meet mine.. Now he worked a ton and had messed up hrs but still. I keep thinking if only I didn’t mess things up… But I guess in the end I should be happy I didn’t invest 3 years in him!!! It’s just hard cuz I really liked him. Glad to read Ur post, it helps me understand a lot of explicit and implicit things in that relationship that I had not got a convincing answer for 🙂
Hi Sidd!
I just want to apologize for what i wrote in my second letter. I was still really hurting that time. I apologize to all the Indian for calling them spineless and pathetic. After reading your blog just a minute ago I realize my friends are right I have become a bad person because of this break up.I am not going to make excuses for my bad behaviour for saying things without thinking. I am taking responsibility for it and I am sorry if I say some hurtful words to the Indian community. I guess the marriage turn out to be a good decision for him Sidd because after just 3 weeks the man I love for 3 years has become a different person. During our last phone conversation I asked him out of nowhere how he feels now every time he calls her his wife, I got the shock of my life when he told me he actually feel good when he hear himself say call her his wife. I heard what i needed to hear Sidd. It hurts alot but I finally come to terms that whatever we had in the past was not meant to be in the future. I thought our 3 years of love for each other was strong but I am wrong. Those 3 years was gone in just 3 weeks in just a snap! Adelle’s is right sometimes in love it last and sometimes it hurts instead. Really time to move on Sidd, thank you again for the help.
No, no no. You have every right to question the situation and the predicament you have been placed in. In fact if you guys don’t question Hindus will never realize the issue that they carry along. And in fact most Hindus don’t realize it even after you question it. All I wanted to make you realize was that, if you were in your Ex’s shoes and were to be a Hindu girl and him a non Hindu boy, the result would have been the same. You would have dumped him and married someone your parents would have asked. It is what the religion asks of you as a Hindu, and what Indian society will gear you to do.
So the question needs be shifted from the individual to the system. Acknowledge the power Hindu religion and caste system wield over the individual, his/her family and the society as a whole, and question it.
Hi,
I personally on the very same position with Ms. M. Its been months after he married but still i cannot move on..im devastated..i wish to get some advise from Ms. M ifever i can get in touch with her even via email..i wonder if shes a survivor now..thanks ..ms.j
Hi ms M.
Im dealing now with your same situation you have been 3 yrs ago..would you mind to help me to forget all these things..for now i guess you moved on since i felt you are atrong woman..i hope i can hear from you soon..
ms.j
Hi,
Like others here, I found your blog in my search for guidance about my love for an Indian man. Just a few nights ago, my boyfriend, H, told me that he is in love with me, but cannot marry me because his mother will not accept him marrying a non-Indian woman. We are both heartbroken. I want to be angry at him, he even asked me to be angry at him, but I just cannot hold anger for him. His mother has sacrificed so much for him- when H was 12, she moved to the US after losing his father tragically a year previous. She had only $400 at the time. He feels so indebted to her that he will not even tell her about me for fear that he will hurt her.
I want to ask him to, at the very least, tell her about me. Somehow, it seems I would feel slightly better if she knew about me. I understand that there is a minimal chance of her permission, I still want her to know I exist. Is this selfish of me?
My friends don’t understand, they are angry and find him cowardly. But I know that their responses are very white American perspectives.
I hope you can respond.
Thank you,
SB
Hi SB,
Not knowing H and his family, I can only make assumptions and at the most give a generic answer.
At the outset, in any situation, if the mom has sacrificed so much for her son, then it is fair to deduce that she loves him and wants him to be happy. In this equation if the son found a girl he loves and makes him happy, the mom should be happy for him, and of course she can do due diligence to make sure that the girl is not a fake and ensure that in fact she loves him, he loves her, and this is not just an emotional high. So it behooves of him that he at least introduce you to her, let her know that you exist and see what his mom says. But then, as I mentioned this is when we are looking at sane people, who use common sense.
But unfortunately in your case you are dealing with a group of people use CASTE sense or in the least INDIAN sense. So the scenarios could be something like this …
His mom has not changed much coming to the US and absolutely wants her son to marry an Indian (read same caste) girl. And while the mom is a widow what about the extended family, So he also has to play to that family either here or back in India.
So may be H knew all along what his mom’s expectations are and still courted you and may be even fell in love with you. I know you want to cling to hope, things will change catch line and all that good stuff. But the point here is not whether his mom will like you or not. The point is what does H want? What has he committed to? And the answer sadly seems to be his mom and her wishes. So yes please sit him down when he is at your place, ask him if he will introduce you to his mom or not and not just as a gal pal but as her future D-I-L? And if he repeats that he knows that it will never come to fruition and his mom wants him to marry whom she picks, arranged marriage and the whole nine yards.
My suggestion is for you to not get angry, give him a hug, see him to the door, call up your girl friends, cry your heart out, eat a pint of ice cream for that night and hit the gym from the next day onwards for all the time you’ve saved.
The point I am trying to make is … if St.Peter doesn’t want you to go through the pearly gates, then guess what, you ain’t, even if you think you can fully impress the Lord, it just ain’t gonna work, ’cause the good Lord doesn’t even know you exist.
So based on what I think is happening here I side here with all of your American friends. And today is as good as any other day for this kind of a conversation. Don’t wait for after his Birthday, after than one event you have planned together or whatever, talk today and be FREE!
The comparison you make to St. Peter is interesting, as he literally refers to her as “his God.”
I think I have come to more realistic terms with this relationship, but I think I need a few days to contemplate your advice (okay- maybe it is just to swallow the pain of it); he will be at her house this weekend, so I have that time & space. He told me the other day that he knows what he “should do”– I asked him what that was and he said he should be brave enough to tell her about me.
I am still at a loss, but I am hopeful that there are others that understand.
Thank you for being direct.
All the best,
SB
I found this interesting..as i can relate to this.im still in a 5 month relationship with hindu boyfriend.we were happy,like bestfriend and a lover and we live together.but one day i ask him a question.like if ever we will reach 2 years from our relation and your parents will finally said time to get married.will u fight your love for me his answer is i love you but i also love my parents and i dont want to disobey them..and it made me cry silently.
I know how caring and loving he is but knowing this hurts me so much.what if will reached 2 years or more and when the time comes he gave up the long term relationship for the sake of his parents.
As i read some blogs like most of the answers. Are they gave up those long term relationship without even trying to fight.
I feel hopeless.5 months is still new and i keep thinking about it to stay away from his life.for one day no matter how loves me it doesnt matter anymore for he will dump me as soon as the marriage is fixed.he has still more years but thinking over and over what will happen in the future makes me scared.the longer our relationship and the more painful to say goodbye.i love him so much with all my heart…i am planning to leave but so hard😭😭😭i dont want to be broken and get hurt again.im sick of it.
Ugh, I wish to share my story, I am hoping someone that has been in same situation tells me it gets better, I am dying, because sadly I love this man 🙁
I remember that feeling. It was three years ago, but once in a while, I get an email about this chain and I’ll go back and reflect on my words. My story did not end in a relationship with H. After writing to Sidd, I made the decision to stay knowing that we would not stay together. During that time, H saw me through a horrible job situation, the death of my grandmother, and turmoil in my family. He was loving and taught me so much. When the time came, we parted ways– painfully, but gracefully. I mourned, but I was not destroyed. Mourning is a human process– it will not ruin you. I don’t know if I miss him; I don’t know if I ever really had him. But I know that I walked away stronger and more in love with myself. People come in and out of our lives; we come in and out of others’ lives. We all must make choices that ring most true to who you are and how you want to live your life. I do not pine for him. When the memory floats my way, I send him, his mother, and myself love. Sending you love Renee– may you find peace.
Dear Renee,
I hope SB’s message below helps. It absolutely gets better, but better, and what you are expecting might be totally different. So hang in there, you will emerge stronger.
I and my boyfriend we are back together. with the help of Email___dr.mack201@gmail. com