Arranged Marriages Part-II (Conclusion)

In Part – I of this post, we talked about the drawbacks of Arranged Marriages. We debunked the theory that it is great for Individuals or at least raised serious questions against that argument. As for the social aspect of it, it was far more easier to prove the havoc that it wrecks because of the hard, cold facts that we have around the number of Sex Selective Abortions , Child Marriages, Female Illiteracy rate, Marriage Expenses, Dowry Deaths, Forced Widowhood, Lack of respect for a divorced woman and finally the pinnacle of all evils, Honor Killings.

So, why does this practice of arranged marriages exist in spite of all these drawbacks. What purpose does it achieve?

The best way to answer the question would be to study and understand what happens when the tradition of arranged marriage is defied and kids go ahead and marry some one of their own choice. And the answer as you know is that these kids are killed by their own parents, Hindu-Honor Killings,

I had requested the reader, in Part-I of this post, to perceive themselves as Indian youth and see if they would agree to arranged marriages, and how it would affect their individuality. Now, in this second part, I would like to request the reader, to once again use the same method and look and envision themselves as the parents who are committing this crime: Go ahead identify yourself with these parents, put yourself in their shoes and answer for me this one question?

If you were the parents of these kids what exactly would have so much power and control over you, that you would be willing to punish your very own kids by death.

Most of you are probably screaming bloody murder, and asking if I am out of my mind for even asking you to imagine hurting your children let alone killing them for loving someone. You might say it is totally revolting, and something you can never imagine yourself doing in a million years.

I understand why you say this, but I can prove that you would have been ready to kill your own children, if I can take you back not a million years in time, not even ten thousand years, but just a mere two thousand years back in history. And all I would have to do is replace the phrase “Killing your Children”, with the phrase “Sacrificing your Children”. By making this one small switch, we can see a method to this madness.

So the question on hand is … would you be willing to sacrifice your own children, your very own blood and flesh, if you were born roughly 2,000 years ago. And the answer is, YES, you would have been OK with sacrificing your own children, to GOD, for religion.

 Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about.”

Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”

“Here I am,” he replied.

“Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.” – Genesis 22:1-12

 

 What should I bring before the Lord when I come to bow before God on high? Should I come before Him with burnt offerings, with year-old calves?

Would the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams or with ten thousand streams of oil? Should I give my firstborn for my transgression, the child of my body for my own sin? – Mica 6: 6-7

 And based on the numerous sayings in the Bible condemning the sacrifice of one’s  child, we can infer that religions, in this case Christianity, had to in fact step up and put an end to this form of sacrifice:

You must not worship the LORD your God in their way, because in worshiping their gods, they do all kinds of detestable things the LORD hates. They even burn their sons and daughters in the fire as sacrifices to their gods. –Deuteronomy 12:31

 

 Say to the Israelites: ‘Any Israelite or any foreigner residing in Israel who sacrifices any of his children to Molek is to be put to death. The members of the community are to stone him. – Leviticus 20:2-5

Also see: Jeremiah 32:35, Ezekiel 20:26, Isaiah 57:4-5

From the above it is clear that sacrificing your own children is not very uncommon, In fact GOD had to order people to stop doing so. I am not sure why I thought of this so late, but anyways, in case you still deny that you would have sacrificed your children, all you have to know is the below line that forms the whole premise of the New Testament. Even GOD did not have a choice.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” – John 3:16

With this small journey into the past, hopefully we have understood that in this world, Religion has the power and control over humans under which mortals, even sane ones, will sacrifice their children to uphold the law of the religion. So that leaves us with a need to research the religion that Indians follow and what it teaches.

Is it possible that Hindu-Honor killings are to uphold the law of the religion?

Hinduism is the predominant religion of India, at least 80%, so over 800 million of them follow it, and it is definitely the religion followed by the people who are committing Hindu-Honor Killings.

What are the tenets of Hindu religion, while the Vedas give various versions of creation, the most famous is the one which mentions that, all beings came from the Divine Being (purusha), Brahmins came from the mouth, Kshatriyas came from the shoulders, Vaishyas came from his thighs and finally Sudras came from his feet. Brahmins, Kshatriyas and Vaishyas are called the twice born men and have rights. Sudras are the servile class and the purpose of their life is to serve the other three castes. If you would like to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth, please see the video “India Untouched” from 3:37 to 5:05.

After Vedas, the most important written book of Hindu religion is ‘Manusmriti’. It provides the rules according to which the four castes need to conduct their lives and day to day businesses. At the time this book was written roughly 200 BCE, there were no Untouchables aka Dalits aka Scheduled Castes, suffice to say that untouchables are subjected to even more draconian discrimination than what Sudras are subject to.

A few lines from Manusmriti are as follows:

154. Whether (a Brahmana) have sons or have no sons (by wives of the twice-born castes), the (heir) must, according to the law, give to the son of a Sudra (wife) no more than a tenth (part of his estate).

155. The son of a Brahmana, a Kshatriya, and a Vaisya by a Sudra (wife) receives no share of the inheritance; whatever his father may give to him, that shall be his property.

156. All the sons of twice-born men, born of wives of the same caste, shall equally divide the estate, after the others have given to the eldest an additional share.

157. For a Sudra is ordained a wife of his own caste only (and) no other; those born of her shall have equal shares, even if there be a hundred sons.

http://hinduism.about.com/library/weekly/extra/bl-lawsofmanu9.htm

Lines 154 to 156 talk to division of property between sons, where a twice born Hindu (a non Sudra Hindu) marries a wife of his own caste and denies any property to a son from a Sudra wife. What this shows is that, Hindu religion allows an upper caste man to marry a wife from his own caste and also from a lower caste but  the reverse, a lower caste man marrying an upper caste woman is prohibited. This is evident also in Line 157 which clearly states that a Sudra is ordained a wife of his own caste. A little extrapolation will help in understanding that this rule also applies to untouchables. Dalits are expected to marry women from their own caste. Also with the division of property among Sons it is quiet clear that the most worthy of all sons is the one begotten by a wife who is of the same caste of the husband. As the marriage customs and laws got more stringent, it should not be difficult to see that by the time the law of “one man, one wife” came into picture the only acceptable wife for a man was one from his own caste.

In summary, Hindu religion talks to caste system having a divine origin, it mandates that its members maintain the caste system by only marrying within the same caste, thereby ensuring that the child so born is also of the same caste. It also shows that it is tolerant, to some extent, if Upper caste men take lower caste women as wives. However it strictly prohibits a lower caste man from marrying an upper caste women, which can also be rephrased as, a girl from an upper caste who marries someone from the lower caste, goes against the caste system, thereby against religion and is a dishonor to the family and the caste to which she belongs to. And once the marriage is consummated, the damage can’t be undone, at which point, Indian Hindu parents of the girl are left with no choice but to regain their honor by sacrificing their girl and the boy if possible and also the boys parents for supporting the same. And since it is done in the name of religion these crimes are not scorned at by the society. In most cases neighbors and even authorities, shrug their shoulders, and supporting the killings say, what else were the parents supposed to do, the girl didn’t leave them with any choice, she went ahead and married that low caste boy.

Please read the below study posted at http://shaktivahini.org/

“The main opposition which is seen in the case of Honor Killings is the caste conflict. The research team after close scrutiny of the cases found out that the opposition for such marriages come from the family of the girl. This further proves that the violence stems from the fact that the family honour is related with female members of the society. In a family if a girl opts for an inter caste marriage the family at once associates such a union with their honour. Once the marriage is associated with loss of honour in the society the family goes after the couple and tries to break the union by undertaking all sorts of violence and threats. Many couples are not able to escape the violence and meet death.

The opposition to inter caste marriages is rampant across all strata and society. The reaction to the inter caste marriages are much stronger and violent when the girl marries a dalit or to a lower caste then her own. In cases of girls marrying in to the higher caste the reaction has been less violent.” – http://shaktivahini.org/initiatives/honour-killings

I think this should further help us in understanding that Indian parents take this extreme step because they are extremely religious and by doing so they are only following the law of the religion, which any student of social studies will agree has more precedence than Constitution and other state laws. And by sacrificing their children, they are regaining their lost honor and are doing right by the religion they believe in. It is very well put in this quote by Dr. Ambedkar, India’s greatest leader, a dalit who rose to great prominence and fought for the emancipation of untouchables and the lower castes.

“All the same, it must be recognized that the Hindus observe Caste not because they are inhuman or wrong-headed. They observe Caste because they are deeply religious. People are not wrong in observing Caste. In my view, what is wrong is their religion, which has inculcated this notion of Caste. If this is correct, then obviously the enemy, you must grapple with, is not the people who observe Caste, but the Shastras which teach them this religion of Caste.” – Dr. B. R. Ambedkar

So far we have proved that, Hindu Honor Killings occur because they are a threat to caste system. If this is so then:

what can Indians do to keep the caste system intact, what can they do to follow what their religion has taught them?

And the answer is practice arranged marriages, don’t let the kids choose whom they want to marry, but let the parents pick a spouse. And when parents pick a spouse, they always ensure that the caste matches. Only after the caste matches will anything else be looked into, like education, economic status, employment  and dowry etc.

For an outsider it might be tough to see this, cause Indians when questioned about arranged marriages answer by saying that they are getting married to someone of their tradition, or someone from their place, or someone who speaks their language, and they end it there, but what they are not mentioning in all of this rhetoric is that the first criteria that was applied was the Caste and the Sub Caste.

As a fun exercise, I would like to request you to check some of the matrimonial sites (shaadi.com, BharatMatrimony.com), you can quickly see two fields that are required when creating a profile. One is Caste, the other is Sub caste, this is to help you and possible suitors filter by caste and Sub caste, so that you only see people of your caste and Sub caste, whom you are supposed to marry. And even if you are not someone who believes in caste system you are still forced to pick the values for caste and Sub caste for yourselves, but can mention that caste is not important to you in the match. However by virtue of you divulging your own caste and Sub caste, other users will already filter you out.

To reiterate, the practice of Arranged marriages, in spite of all its drawbacks is still popular in India because it is the only means to maintain caste system.

Now to the how part: how do Indian children accept arranged marriages, even after they are exposed to other cultures.

And the answer is by making sure that these children are completely dependent on their parents.

What is the probability that an American kid, younger than 15 years will agree to a sympathy date set up by their parents?

What is the probability that an American kid, between 15 and 18 years, having a drivers license, will agree to a sympathy date?

What is the probability that an American kid, over 18, living on his own, probably living in a different city, will agree to a sympathy date?

The answer, would be that, the probability of the kid accepting a sympathy date decreases, as the kid grows more and more independent. So if you want to make the child always accept your sympathy date, then keep him dependent as long as possible, or arrange for a sympathy date before he gets independent.

I think Indians understand this equation real well: If the children are dependent on them, then they will agree to an arranged marriage.

Indian parents board their children and provide for all their needs all the way through college, and even pay their tuition. Even in cases where the kids are studying in a different city, parents bear all their living expenses. By the time they get done with college and get a job, the parents are already looking for a match. So all through the time when kids are supposed to meet the opposite sexes and fall in love they are under their parents’ care.

Now this is a case where the parents want their kids to be educated. In most case parents don’t even want to run into the risk of children getting old enough that they might get the idea of finding an own match. They marry the kids when they are still young. National Family Health Survey 2005-06 revealed that 44.5 per cent of women between the ages of 20-24 years had been married before they turned 18.

And in both cases parents sacrifice a lot to do this, Vacations by Indian parents, saving for retirement are unheard of. What they earn they invest in their children, and their retirement plan is the hope that their kids will take care of them in their old age. So while investing in their kids, they are suppressing their own needs and growth, but in return get absolute control over their kids.

Now this level of control is just by family, society does its part in making sure that the sexes don’t co-mingle much. In schools and colleges, boys and girls move separately, there is not much scope allowed for them to inter mingle. All girls, as I mentioned in part-I are accompanied everywhere by an older female family member or a male. Indian is not a place where you can go to a bar or dance club to meet and socialize. Do read my post on Social Dancing in India to give more idea on this.

So over all Indian youth is kept in check by their parents and the society and they know only the way of arranged marriage!

Now lets look at Indian kids born and brought up here in the US:

1. Indian parents still board their kids, even when they are past the age of 18.
2. Indian parents still pay for education of their children.
3. Indian parents will pay for the living expenses of their children, even if they are living in a different city for education.
4. Indian kids over 18, even those with jobs still live with their parents. I am yet to see an Indian boy or girl who is in the same city as their parents having a place of their own.
5. Indian parents instill Indian traditions from early childhood, which pretty much means instilling in the girl child to not have sex and to get married to the guy they chose, and for the guy to just marry whom they chose and not to tell them what else he does.
6. In some cases, Indians send the girl child off to study back in India when she is in her early teens. The reason given to the kid and others who venture to ask why they are doing this is:
   • she will spend more time with her grand parents
   • she will get a better education back there
   • it will help her to get acquainted to our culture and traditions.
   • All this sounds good, and maybe its true, but by the time the girl is back in the US she is almost 21 or older, and she has been tamed. The prime age when a kid would rebel, probably go find a boy friend, experiment, challenge her parents, the mid to late teens, have passed, so she is more mellow and will hardly put up a fight if an arranged marriage is proposed!

So we end this post with the following answers:

1. Why arranged marriages: to maintain caste system.
2. Why do kids accept arranged marriages: because they are never allowed to become independent. And they don’t even know it!

—————————————————-Below information has been added after the original post had already been published

I found better info that actually talks to the rules to marry:

12. For the first marriage of twice-born men, wives of equal caste are recommended; but for those who through desire proceed to marry again the following females, chosen according to the direct order of the castes, are most approved.
13. It is declared that a Shudra woman alone can be the wife of a Shudra, she and one of his own caste the wives of a Vaisya, those two and one of his own caste the wives of a Kshatriya, those three and one of his own caste the wives of a Brahmin.
14. A Shudra woman is not mentioned even in any ancient story as the first wife of a Brahmin or of a Kshatriya, though they lived in the greatest distress.
15. Twice-born men who, in their folly, wed wives of the low (Shudra) caste, soon degrade their families and their children to the state of Shudras.

Chapter III: 12-15

So in today’s world when parents use caste as a criteria to arrange a marriage,  they are only doing so based on what their religion has taught them. And when parents kill their children for marrying someone outside their caste, they are doing that too to uphold those very same laws of the religion.